What If Iran’s Guardian Council Managed U.S. Elections?

Political satire by Ebrahim Nabavi

Elections will be held in Iran in a few days and in the U.S. in a few months. Here’s what the Guardian Council, the clerical body charged with vetting all candidates in the Islamic Republic, would do if it was in charge of the American elections:

1. Declare Bernie Sanders a heretic and roundup and arrest his followers.

2. Disqualify Hillary Clinton because of her husband’s illegitimate relations with Monica Lewinsky.

3. Disqualify Donald Trump because he’s rich and obviously corrupt. Then reinstate him as a revolutionary because of all the nonsense he says. Then demand his resignation and prosecution for financial crimes.

4. Shut down The New York Times and ban political ads from appearing on any TV channel, except Fox News, until the end of the elections.

5. Block access to Facebook, Twitter and Instagram until after the elections and send Mark Zuckerberg to prison for acting against national security.

6. Ban Barack Obama’s image from appearing in the press and prohibit the media from broadcasting anything about his family.

7. Appoint the U.S. Army, Air Force and Navy as election monitors.

8. Disqualify Jeb Bush because he’s not going to get enough votes, or ask him to step down and keep quiet until after the elections, or send him to prison for becoming a candidate.

9. Disqualify all candidates from the Democratic Party.

10. Approve the nominations of Mark Rubio and Ted Cruz. Then order the police to prevent any gatherings in support of Cruz and ban all his campaign posters. Then declare Rubio the winner with 63 percent of the vote.